Life has changed drastically in these past 3 months. My mind has gone through a lot. I realized life is in a constant changing process, one day your thoughts make you another person the other day another and so on goes the process.

I am trying to hold on to the line that brings me back to being me. At the age of 25 here I am all confused and messed up in my own head. It’s the same thing I went through when I was 16, 17 or maybe 18 too, things just combine and one cannot make sense of one thing being apart from another, it happens every once in a while and when it does a transformation happens, good or bad that’s in your hands, is your decision.

One day I am happy the other I am just too depressed to think straight, it’s a major case of extreme highs and lows. One good thing that always comes out from this mental state is I get close to knowing me each day. Call me crazy or maybe sentimental but I do feel a lot about everything that matters to me, thus the impact on my mind and heart is higher.

Life is meant to be lived to its fullest wherever you are, that’s my mantra, many times you will be sucked into situations that will drain every bit of hope and energy from your soul but being positive about things will and always do the trick, at least it has for me. I tell myself everyday that it’s a new day whatever is happening was meant to be and this fills my heart with a little peace. As the day comes to an end my mind starts its messy tricks again and I am in doubt about everything, a fight starts between me and me, and I tell you it’s no fun to witness.

There are days when I’m not so strong, I want to cry at everything even if the water in my bottle has finished I would feel like crying, if I can’t find something in my bag I would cry, that’s how messed up it gets. It doesn’t get over unless I cry my heart out obviously in secret because no one would understand and I would not be able to explain.

Being positive is not that all easy.  When so much is going on in life, when you can’t understand what to do, but it’s not that hard too. It’s all in the mind, you have to play games with the mind, staying happy when not happy is a trick everyone needs to learn because in the long run it is the most important thing you can have in you. I have learned you need to believe that things will be better and they do, eventually everything might fall in to place not the way you wanted it to but it will and things happen for a reason, let them be. Learn to let go, live for the moment, forgive, forget things that hurt. Smile, be the reason for someone elses smile. Do things that make you happy- read, write, sleep, cook enjoy your own company first, sort things out, take time. Mostly just let things happen the way they have to happen after you have done everything in your power to make them happen your way.

I have realized this whole process of struggling each day is making me a stronger individual, emotion wise, I am one step closer in knowing myself each day, and I’m glad to go through all this alone and not with someone attached to my life i.e. a life partner, being single has its own awesome perks definitely. As each day passes I am a much better person in my mind than I was,each day I have not a clear but a new perspective on things and am ready to face life.

Life is like a puzzle, with bits of pieces coming together making it one. Right now my puzzle is all jumbled up I can’t make sense of which piece to put where. It will all come together I know I believe it will, yet there will be some pieces missing but that’s how life is you can’t have it all yet I am grateful, honestly grateful for what all I have.

So even after a messed up mind  life is good, it changes every day, people change, things change, change is good. The struggle is to embrace change and the process that in return changes you. Accepting who you are and what makes you different is a major thing.

A positive attitude is what keeps me going at the end of it all. And a tiny bit of hope that grows each day, hope that I will figure it out and even if I don’t things will get better.

Live life and love life.

Sunday September 23rd 2012, 12.50 pm

Amna Naseem Ahmed

Image taken from portfolio of Jessica Walsh

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